Immortal love, Immoral Lover

Recently, I was too busy with my work, labs, clattering of test tubes, setting centrifuge, diluting the life somewhere with samples etc. I thought that I did forget him, now he is no more in my life. I remembered you, you once said, “People just keep those persons ALIVE in their heart, who don’t actually deserve to be”. And I really practiced it, it helped me too. It was happy to know that, I haven’t kept him alive and he is finally out, YES “He Is Dead”, I was happy and contended. Feeling of victory I bathed with as it was an impossible task I finally turned it done. I never thought that, I will ever be able to survive without him. After my 20 years he was the only reason, basis of my Existence! After all my love, he was.
Yesterday morning I woke up, my head swinging, something burdened my heart and burning my thoughts, I dreamt of him. Consciously not even a single thought running in my from past one month, I thought I m living so happy without him. I thought that my labs centrifuge, spectrometry, diluted him from the memories of my life. I had learnt to disengage my mind, whenever any thought of him used to strike. But I was wrong, love killed me once again, subconsciously he was in me, I closed my doors but it was knocking on threshold,

Then the day terminated but not his memories striking me hard, haunting me. My heart cried badly and giving mix gesture to people around me memories flooded back to me vividly and feelings deep seated growing as a seed. The crew cut he was famous for, sitting in a distance smile prevailing at face. His silence speaking much more. I speak so much, after all a good orator but more than that I loved, without expecting and asking same from him. I trusted him and never thought why he had first sight love, because of my beauty, grown more after loosing my fat by striving to N.C.C.. He asked me for water and joined us; I thought so sarcastic and proposed me on same table at ICH. I started loving him, later on. But I never thought that it is convenient for people to say something, and to do something.

He might have never dreamed about me as he was so busy in his money making as if he used to think that churning the Straw will turn to gold. Money was the only thing bringing so many slips between cups and lips, that Coins which make sounds, bought a sound of Shehnai to his home, he married someone else without letting me know all that, making me confirmed that he is going to engage my finger with the ring of his love by few days ahead in front of my mother, brother and his guardians.

Even after facing all this, I was not able to forget him as if one has opened junkyard where your preserved moments make your eyes wet and you love to be there without caring for dust or spiders.

THIS IS LOVE. Time has passed, situations are not same, my darling never ever loved me and I realized that I was just to fill a void of so called girl friend in his company as every friend of him asking him to fall in love with. My emotions sinking deep to my cavity that mugs, his uniform of captain in which he looked my hubby, but his drinks hang over on my anger and his friends who spoiled him by getting doped to drugs, whish I come to know later on. I too have changed completely. After knowing all this one thing never ended, the same forever, My Love,,,, its still the same. The intensity, that passion, those feelings are the same. They haven’t changed yet.

When he was with me, I felt that this love is everything, the best one, the whole. I can’t love him more than this nor less than this. This was the limit of my infinite love for him. But I never thought that this infinite love born in my heart will actually TRANSCEND time! Now I come to know that, love is IMMORTAL. It never dies; it never runs out. If love is true and deep; it always remains there, in our hearts. Love gives satisfaction; when you let yourself flow into it; when you don’t fear that you will drown or thrown away at the shore. And ultimately you learn to RISE IN LOVE. If there is true love, you will rise; your soul will attain a higher order. Your own chemistry will change for good. Believe me! You will feel oneness with God.

I thank God to give me strength so that, I could love him fully, wholeheartedly. I thank God to give me the potential to love at my very best. It doesn’t matter that I loved somebody who never loved me.

Now I have learnt to live without him, to live without tears, gloom and memories. I don’t need him anymore. I don’t want to see him. Because he is in my heart, forever. Whenever I feel like having him, I know that he will come out from my heart. He is always there ………
I have kept him alive, and will be there throughout my life, till eternity.
The Most important thing is to LOVE ACTUALLY.

Now, I am happy to be as I was before. I have attained my original self, free of anger, tears, pain and anguish. There is no fear of having or loosing him, because
MY LOVE IS AROUND ME; WITHIN ME, WITH ME ALWAYS.
I STILL LOVE YOU THE SAME, MY CAPTAIN.....

Pain Works.....

WHEN IT IS PAIN,IT WORKS.... PAIN WORKS LIKE A NEEDLE, DOPPING YOU WITH MEDICINES SOMETIMES AND SOMETIMES TAKING YOUR BLOOD OUT FROM YOUR OWN VEINS, LEAVING PAIN. IT WORKS TO SAVE SOMEONE LIFE,TO BRING SMILE TO YOUR FACE.... PAIN BRINGS TRANQUILITY WHEN YOU RUN WITH DEEP BREATHS, DOG TIRED AND YOU STOP AND SAY YOU ENJOYED THE RUN AND LITTLE DROPS OF WATER QUENCHING YOU THURST... PAIN IS STRANGE, UNDEFINED, EXPECTATIONS BRINGS THE PAIN, LOVE BRINGS THE PAIN, DEATH BRINGS THE PAIN...STILL BORN BABY BRINGS THE PAIN... BUT SOMETIMES WINNING OF YOURSELF AND LOOSING OF COMPETITOR ALSO BRINGS THE PAIN. PAIN MINGLES IN MIND WHEN ONE COMMENTS IN WORDS LIKE ARROWS, WHEN ONE DONT GIVE YOU A GLANCE TO SHOW THAT YOU WERE EXCELLENT, WHEN ONE POINT OUT YOUR POTENTIAL.. SCREAM,CRY SOUNDS ABSORBED BY FOUR WALLS NOT BY ANY EAR. YOU RELAX YOURSELF BY YOUR OWN THOUGHTS,INTROSPECTIONS AND NO HANDS TO SUPPORT YOU. YOU GET BACK AND RUN AGAIN.. MAKING YOURSELF LIKE BUILDING THE CASTLES WITH PLAYING CARD, BRINGING BRICKS AGAIN TO CONSTRUCT, SAVE IT FROM CALAMITIES, YOU GET STRONG NY NUMBER OF STEPS YOU MOVE AHEAD.. IF YOU DONT FEEL THE PAIN,LIFE SEEMS UNSUCCESSFUL. MORE THE PROBLEMS, OBSTACLES, MORE DESERVING YOU ARE, MORE SUCCESSFUL YOU ARE... MERE SLEEPING 6 HOURS IS NOT LIFE, LIFE IS TO BURN YOURSELF.. TO WORK OUT WITH YOUR OWN THOUGHTS AND BRAIN, TO FEEL THE PAIN ... A PROLONGED PAIN BRINGS EITHER DEATH OR RELIEF,IT BRINGS TEARS WHEN ONE WONS THE TOSS OF LIFE, SUCCESS IS WHAT YOU TOIL.. PAIN WORKS,YOU KEEP WORKING ...YOU WILL BE BLESSED WITH LOVE OF ALMIGHTY... BUT TOIL WORKS, NONE OF YOUR HARD WORK IS FUTILE AND IT IS HELPFUL IN ANY TURNING OF LIFE... BELIEVE IT OR NOT...BUT PAIN WORKS

Goodmorning Madam

Finally, I reached home, keeping bags on threshold of my home, a sigh of relief. After so long, I was back. With my mug filled with strong ginger tea, I climbed up the stairs; I started finding myself as a child who used to climb this stairs, resting hand on wall. I opened the door of storeroom. Its creaking sound irritates me no more, the innocent smile prevailed in my face, seeing the dust-laden, untouched, live things in store, seems more impactful in reminiscence. I started moving towards my cupboard, keys were hanging in the key socket and no wind across to play with them, and I used to hide them somewhere being a notorious child. Gush of dust came in my eyes as I opened the cupboard. I started taking out my belongings, my pens, pencil, drawing sheets with undimensioned images, not clearly visible like memories, but some of them have not faded the colors from it, like imprints in my mind. Some small notebooks with yellow pages and dog-eared ends bought a feel of being grown up. Memories started flooding back, the talks of classmates, uniform(whose belt was also kept as a sign of proud), changing of teaching faces after every class, their well pleated saris, with leather belt wrist watches, designer bindis and those silver foil kept as bookmarks, from consumed chocolates. I opened the notebook; my writing seems a Report Card of my mood swings, when I frown, writing goes at its worst but when happy, turns on to smooth cursive. Every alphabet represents my emotions, ‘f’ seems to be stubborn, ‘d’ seems bit arrogant, and ‘s’ used to smile, being my initials. However, this were not the reason to keep them preserved, it was something else. Red marked signatures, comments and circles of an unforgettable teacher. Her signatures were easy to depict her nature, more polite and ease in handling notorious children. Her comments like good, stars and excellent were enough to tell my attitude on that day. Many four folded paper quoted by her were in between notebook, but no pictures of her. It was the time when my school was changed due to cardiac delicacies as referred by doctor. Unable to concentrate in classes due to health problems but failed to express. My new school, but she was more new, to get her was all destined. Her polite voice and beautiful eyes were full of expressions but neither her eyes, nor voice were successful in depicting the anger. Her chubby cheeks bring more beauty and make us to dare more noise in class. Her teaching never started from textbooks, it was approximately inside bag for fortnight but spellings, dancing, basics of science, I.Q. and current affairs turned on. Extempore were surprising for standard fourth in those days, but not for our mental standard, she used to say.

I was perfect in health and my studies too, months and days passed by, visit to doctors and regular to school were only my job. Exams were conducted, results got declared, she announced that I topped, she left the premises and told us that she will be back by next session’s have not found her there by next session. Being fit, I also changed school.

Today I am pursuing masters in mass communications, and I destined here just because of that motivation, here I see people making many mistakes, as there might be no teachers to up bring the strong roots to them. The university teachers are not going to tell you about spellings, they are just to impart knowledge. I realize that, the right knowledge at right time is in need by a right person; otherwise, it resembles quotation of one of my teacher “vidhyarthi, vidya ki arthi nikalte hai”.

Problem is not our value-based education, but problem is in our education system, in way of teaching...…resulting brain drain.

I still feel downs, there was no one to teach me Hindi and now there is no one to mark red circles in my Hindi articles now. Throwing a challenge when people ask me to proofread the Hindi write-ups. many becomes alumni of renowned colleges by mugging up the logics of science being ignorant to logics, few of my friends still don’t know the word PhD is abbreviated for ? However, toiling and appearing for NET. Nevertheless, that person made me jack of all and elements in me are the inspirations of her. I am searching her in crowded profiles of face books and orkut and no record is available in school now.

Come for Dinner, mom summoned.

I have not wiped the dust and kept it back, leaving keys hanging.

On this Teachers day, my tribute to all my respected teachers, who acted as my parents and to my parents who acted as my teachers, my almighty and instincts of nature who guided me every time.

My inspiration Reena madam, Nivedita madam and Sonalee madam


Swati Shobha Sevlani